I Apologize

Before I had a child of my own and even when my daughter was an infant, if I went to a store or anywhere out in public and saw a toddler rolling around on the ground, throwing a tantrum, I would judge the mom. 

“That kid needs some discipline.” “What a brat” “Look at that little spoiled kid mad because he can’t get what he wants.” “His mom needs to do something with him.”

And these are only some of the thoughts I’d have. 

And if I’m really being honest, I would judge white mothers differently than black mothers. I grew up thinking and hearing that white parents were much more lenient with their children than black parents. So when I saw a white child acting up I would think “This is annoying but not surprising; I don’t know why they let their kids act like that.” But when I saw black kids behaving badly in public, internally I was judging and shaming the mom. “She knows better than to have her kids out here actin’ up like this.” “If I were her, I would....”

But a recent event has caused me to look at those moments of judgement with deep regret and shame of my naiveté and it compels me to want to give a huge apology.  

My daughter recently turned 3 and something happened to her. When she doesn’t get her way or when she is frustrated, she has begun throwing herself on the ground, kicking and screaming. Meanwhile I’m standing there thinking “Wait, what? Who is this kid? She knows I don’t play. She knows I’m not going for this.” But this first incident was not the last. It has become an almost daily occurrence. Only at home, so far, but it is bound to happen out in public at some point. 

I pride myself at being a skilled disciplinarian. I spent 12 years in the teaching profession and my classroom always had an excellent behavior management reputation. I had some very challenging students who struggled behaviorally and most of them were academically and behaviorally successful by the end of the year.

So, what, my kid turns 3 and now, all the sudden, starts throwing tantrums after being pretty easy to discipline prior to, by me being stern, clear, and consistent? I was a bit dumbfounded. And ashamed. All those poor moms I had judged for years. Maybe it wasn’t their fault. In fact, it probably wasn’t their fault. Or their lack of discipline. Or their lack of good parenting. Maybe their kid was just being a normal toddler. 

I now live with a three-nager who screams and cries and flails on the floor when she doesn’t get her way or if I tell her to do something that she doesn’t want to. Many of my sentences these days end with “...or you’re going to go to time out.” Her favorite word is no, even when she doesn’t mean it. 

Me: Cami are you ready to eat breakfast?  

Cami: No no nononononono  

Me: Ok well I’m going to eat my breakfast. 

Cami: Breakfast? 

Me: Yes, I’m eating my pancakes.

Cami: Pancakes?

Me: Cami do you want to eat your pancakes?

Cami: Pancakes?

My daughter has a speech delay, so to translate, when she repeats a word, that’s basically her saying yes. 

And not only is she 3, she’s strong willed and stubborn. No idea where she gets those traits from. (smile)

So instead of continuing to be judgmental, along with my sincere apology, I’d like share a few strategies I’m trying to help me manage my 3 year old, as well as cope with my impatience and frustrations at the challenges of this age.

-Remember that they are little people with feelings that they are just now learning how to navigate and control.

-Understand that it may be hard for them to express and communicate their feelings. Despite this, try and talk to them to figure out what they are feeling and why. Not only is it good practice for the future but it may deescalate the situation as well. Everyone wants to feel heard and understood; even little ones.

-These littles are at a stage where they are learning how to be independent at the same time as testing and respecting boundaries. Try to consider what a confusing place this must be at times for them.

-Be consistent with expectations and discipline. This may help to cut down on some of the confusion your child may be feeling. 

-Pick your battles. At this wonderful age of 3, children should be a part of some of the decision making in their day as a way to encourage their independence. Notice I said SOME. There will still be plenty of times where what you say goes. Stay strong in those times and follow through with consistency and consequences.

To all the toddler/preschool moms I’ve judged out loud, in my mind, or to friends, I give you my deepest, sincerest apology. I had no idea what three would look like and I didn’t have the right to judge something I hadn’t experienced myself. Each of you are doing the best you can in each moment and I promise that when I see a tantrum or a hard moment, I will smile or give a word of encouragement or help if I can. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and should never been done alone. I’m sorry that I didn’t do better in the past. I promise to do much better now and in the future. 

And may any of you without children or without toddlers who have had similar thoughts and judgements that I used to have possibly consider the new perspective I have gained and try a little compassion and care instead. 

Thanks for reading.